A couple of years ago, I had a run-in with a parent. He had developed the habit of coming into school before the end of the day, standing outside the door of our classroom and motioning impatiently for his son, Victor, to hurry up. When I requested that he wait outside the building for his son to be dismissed, he became irate, yelled at me and angrily pulled his son out of class.
This wasn’t my first altercation with this father. He had acted inappropriately before, and I felt threatened. I asked the school director to intervene. She sent an email home reiterating that the dad needed to wait outside the building until dismissal. She also politely requested that he be more aware of his tone when talking to teachers, students or anyone else when visiting the school.
The next day, Victor came to school angry. He was mad at me for getting his dad into “trouble.” His tone was aggressive and he warned me not to “mess” with his family. My response was quick and emotional. I heated up and yelled back. Afterward, I went to cool down in another teacher’s room. She offered me the reasonable perspective that Victor was just trying to be loyal to his family and do what he thought was right. Her logical thinking calmed me down and allowed me to face Victor with more compassion and sanity.
Our culture is saturated with examples of how not to stay calm and respectful during a conflict. Reality TV, talk shows, movies and music videos show adults screaming at each other, threatening each other, cursing and sometimes becoming physically violent when there is a disagreement. If students immerse themselves in this kind of pop culture, or if they come from a family where the adults do not model effective conflict resolution skills, then most likely one of the first things they do in a conflict is lash out.
But we can counter that behavior.
I have often mediated conflicts between two fuming students, guiding the resolution through a checklist of strategies. However, it was not until this confrontation with Victor that I was one of the participants in a class conflict. I was no longer the non-judgmental third party; I was an active player. Now I better understand what it feels like to be a student in a classroom conflict. It can make you feel powerless, scared, indignant and consumed by a sense of injustice. It also gave me more insight into strategies that can help. Walking away, taking a break and finding a third party to help mediate really does work. And the simple act of acknowledging the other person’s feelings may be all it takes to defuse the whole situation.
I realize now that this was a great opportunity for me to model how to communicate in the midst of conflict. Anger may be a natural reaction, but it does not need to stand in the way of non-aggressive communication. Even an argument with a student can provide an opportunity to teach and learn.
Anderson is a middle school humanities and interdisciplinary studies teacher in Oregon.
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