In our kindergarten classroom, there are no desks. Instead, we have three large, child-sized tables, around which 20 children and three teachers can fit. We call it the writing table. Here, students can draw, write and complete phonics-based workbooks.
One morning, Greta was drawing a picture of something that had happened the day before: She and her friend Lily had made bird nests during outside recess and had placed them all throughout the yard. Greta was illustrating herself and Lily making nests. Her classmate Ellie watched her create the drawing.
Ellie said something to Greta just out of earshot of the teachers in the room. Greta went to a teacher and said, “Ellie told me I had to draw her in my drawing, but I want it to be accurate.” Then Ellie grabbed Greta’s body in an attempt to prevent her from saying anything else. The behavior was immediately addressed: “You may not use your body like that,” the teacher said.
There’s another step in this process. Instead of just putting a stop to the grabbing behavior, the teacher went one step further. She pulled Ellie aside and said to her, “You know what happens when children come to teachers with a problem. We listen. We need to listen, and children need to let us know.”
Defusing conflicts in the classroom, and in the world, involves a lot more than just ending the conflict. It demands that the reasons for the conflict be understood. That way, both players can act accordingly should a subsequent conflict occur. When young children are involved, teachers (and adults generally) are charged with building up each child’s repertoire of conflict-solving skills.
The teacher models the steps for conflict resolution. She first asked Ellie outright, “What happened?”
Ellie: “Greta was drawing a picture of Lily and her, and I wanted to be in it.”
Teacher: “I’m sorry. You must have felt left out. But Greta is really trying to draw what actually happened yesterday. You weren’t there when they were making nests. Maybe today you can be there.”
Not only did she find out the source of the conflict, but the teacher also validated the emotions Ellie was feeling.
After this, both girls went back to drawing. But there was one thing left to do. The teacher turned to Greta and asked, “Now, do you know why Ellie jumped on you?”
Greta replied instantly, “Yeah, because I wouldn’t put her in my drawing.”
The teacher offered an alternative, “Actually, Ellie did it because she felt left out—and sad. And sometimes, when we feel strong emotions inside us, we forget to use our words.”
And this is what we work on every day. It’s an ongoing process, one that never really stops. Conflicts will happen again and again, both inside the classroom and out. How we help children understand and defuse conflicts just might make the difference between success or failure when the next challenge comes their way.
Palenski is a kindergarten teacher in Connecticut.
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